Thursday, December 8, 2011

Lose the Weight

It's annoying to me how much I live in my head. I spend so much time dwelling, reevaluating, stewing, mulling, focusing on things in m own head that I've gotten lost. Every now and again small bits of light break in and I'm truly happy. But for the most part, I live in a pretty dark place. And I hate it.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which is what they decided I had instead of bipolar disorder. My maternal grandmother was bipolar and my paternal grandfather and my father had/have anxiety. I've tried to be medicated and it always did more harm than good. I've seen a therapist who literally made me want to jump off a building or move so far from everyone I knew that no one would remember my name. In two words, bad things.

I lost about 30 or so pounds back in 2004. I've always been over weight. My entire life I've thought about what I ate and how much, even if I was conscious of the bad choices I was shoving into my mouth. My mother put me on the Zone diet when I was ten. She was overweight as a child and very fearful that I would be teased by peers and family or be an outcast like she was. Her thoughts her in the right place but the execution left something to be desired because it really messed my head up.

I'm not good enough.

That's what's in my head. Always. And it's really really annoying. Mostly, because deep down I know it's not true. I can do lots of things well. But I can't even give myself credit then. I tell myself I'm a jack of a lot of trades and master of none. I don't do anything "Martha Stewart perfect." I want to. I want to be perfect at something. But in the reality of life, that isn't possible. No one is perfect, no one.

It wasn't until I lost those 30 or so pounds that anyone of the male gender paid any attention to me in an "I want to date you" way. Which only drilled into my head that yes, I was fat before, and no, you will never be loved unless you're thin. So I went crazy. I became hyper obsessive with my weight. I would get on a scale 6 times a day. Eat no sugar, at all (I still have no idea how I did that). And then my wonderful friend and roommate stepped in when she came back to school at the end of summer. And I relaxed a little. I gained 5 pounds and nothing fell apart. Boys still wanted to date me.

But I started making really bad choices.

Like ruin people's lives bad choices.

Like date your friend's boyfriend three weeks after they break up because everyone knows he's pursuing me bad choices. And even though I can blame it on the medications that they put me on that semester that made me suicidal and I was just barely clinging to sanity, I still made those choices. And I hated myself for it.

I met Sir Luke almost an entire year after I moved to NYC. I made bad choices in dating before I met him too. Lots of them. It still aggravates me to this day. When I started dating Luke I weighed in around 130 pounds. And since we've been married I've gained 40. 40 POUNDS!!!!!

In all the Jillian Michael's obsessed listening that I've been doing I finally figured out why I can't get myself to lose any of this weight. I'm not trying to push Luke away, like I originally thought. I'm afraid that if I get thin again I'll make bad choices. Like seriously bad choices. Because that's what I associate with my life with being thin. I don't want to make a bad choice and ruin my life or Luke's life or anyone else's for that matter.

And it sounds so silly but if you did what I had done my senior year in college you might think differently. It was literally the year from hell. For lots and lots of people. And I never want to go back to that place. So I've kept this shell on to keep my distance from people. And I'm done with it. Because once you know the why it's easier to make the change. And that's what I've struggled with for so long.

Why am I like this? Why am I living in this comfort zone of fat? Why the hell is fat my comfort zone?!?! It makes me so angry. And I'm ready to do something about it.

My in-laws are taking the entire family to Florida for a reunion. Florida = beach = I'm not wearing a swimsuit in front of that many people I know. I've got until May 22nd or so to get my butt in to the size it should be. That's my goal. Lose 40lbs in six months. It's totally doable!!!!!!!

So here I am proclaiming to you, internet. I am not going to binge anymore (Thank you Thanksgiving for that lovely pattern....).

I'm going to COUNT MY CALORIES! - I've always thought those were dirty words. But it's how I will lose my pounds. Keeping track.

I will eat healthy and organic!!  - I've been reading lots of research that says pesticides can maintain a mild depression in people...bad news bears for this chica.

I will walk Ripley on speedy everyday for an hour! - she loves it an I need it. I may even throw in some jogging. Who knows.

I will workout an additional half hour everyday except Sunday! - I'm shouting now

That's it peeps. I'm off to walk.


heather said...

I wish you all the best in this endeavor. Both the weight loss and the emotional weight loss. I hope it's a healthy and happy and hopeful journey.

Also, my friend Lizzie writes a blog called She puts out Tuesday Tips which I've found helpful in keeping myself engaged in exercise. It's recommended reading.

Good luck!

Unknown said...

you're amazing! You can do it Megs!! YOU CAN DO IT! I love you!

Marci said...

I am so sorry to hear about the struggles you've been having. I completely understand ALL of them! I am trying to lose weight as well--maybe we could help keep track of each other and our successes/setbacks? What do you think? Also, I'm trying to get through the winter with my sanity intact. I think regular exercise and healthy eating would help with that. All the best and let me know if you want to team up long distance.

Deveny said...

I love you megs!
I absolutely hate the gym but I've found some awesome netflix workout videos that don't feel like torture & have given results. I actually believe I have more muscle now then I did in highschool. 10-min Pilates (5 10-min sections) & Crunch: Super Slimdown (yoga/pilate mix).

Carolyn said...

Megan, thank you for sharing your feelings and being open about everything. I really appreciated this post and needed to read it today. I often feel like I am not good enough, too, and it's so hard to overcome those thoughts! I had to chuckle when I read that you consider yourself to be a jack of all trades but a master of none. Seriously?! You are an AMAZING photographer and craft-er, among other things. You astound me.

I hope everything goes well with your plan to exercise and eat differently. I'm excited to hear your updates and I hope you know I'll be rooting for you!

Tamara @31dates said...

Megan I think I needed to read this post today too. I can totally relate to your ups and downs. Today I was sitting in the temple and recalled how being active really helps my body, mind, soul. I signed up for a race in April, hoping it gives me some motivation.
I can relate to a lot of your thoughts about perfectionism. Wanting to be so GREAT at something. Same here. In fact, I went to bed crying last night, talking about how I wanted to be great at something and kinda just feel like a loser.
I'd hate to think you feel similarly. Because you're awesome. In fact, we might wanna bug your photo skills when you're in town. Remember how you're my favorite? Remember how I'm a photog snob? Just sayin.
We should chat.

Club Narwhal said...

you are SO awesome!!!! and ripley is going to the happiest little critter in the world. i highly recommend couch to 5k. i literally couldn't run for a minute straight six months ago and now i can jog - so slowly - 40! it took forever but it's also awesome :)you are the woman!

Tess said...

I appreciate your honesty in this post! Especially as a mother of a daughter I think about things like this. I totally have faith in you and know you can do it! I agree with Carolyn too...your skills definitely say otherwise than your feeling about being a master of none. Just look at that chevron wall! :) Anyone, I love you and wish you all the best!

Alex and Katie said...

Megan, you're the best. And you are so talented. For the record, Martha Stewart lost a decorating competition in jail. True story. So not even Martha Stewart is as good as Martha Stewart. Only Martha Stewart and a team of hundreds of people are as good as Martha Stewart. I need to lose weight too. Best of luck to both of us! Thanks for the post.

britta said...

ah megs. my heart broke a little, okay a lot when i started reading this. at first it broke because you echo what is inside my head all the time too. then it broke because i was with you for all the drama of senior year and i know how painful it was for you. but i gotta tell you by the end of this i was cheering, literally cheering in my basement by myself, for you. you can do this. you are beautiful, wonderful, talented, kind, generous and hands down the BEST friend i have ever had. That won't change if you are 130 or 200. you are amazing. i am so proud and excited for you to let go of the emotional stuff. you will be liberated. thank you for inspiring me today and most days. I LOVE YOU!!!