Wednesday, January 4, 2012

District 7

Yes, I am this nerdy. Yes, I cannot wait for the movie to come out.

On the advice of my very wise sister I have decided not the read the books again until after the movies so I won't have as many ideas of how everything should be and go in the movie. Less likelihood of being disappointed. I'm on book seven of Harry Potter and I have to say the movies make a lot more sense now. A lot.

Monday, December 19, 2011

Salt and Pepper

I like to collect things. Well, I like the idea of collecting things.

I don't actually like dealing with the things I collect. That's why I like Pinterest so much. I can collect without actually housing my collections.

So whilst in Minnesota I collected two sets of Salt and Pepper shakers. One bride and groom that will most assuredly make a home atop a wedding cake in a styled shoot at some point. and one set of cocker spaniels. I love them both

Thursday, December 8, 2011

Lose the Weight

It's annoying to me how much I live in my head. I spend so much time dwelling, reevaluating, stewing, mulling, focusing on things in m own head that I've gotten lost. Every now and again small bits of light break in and I'm truly happy. But for the most part, I live in a pretty dark place. And I hate it.

I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which is what they decided I had instead of bipolar disorder. My maternal grandmother was bipolar and my paternal grandfather and my father had/have anxiety. I've tried to be medicated and it always did more harm than good. I've seen a therapist who literally made me want to jump off a building or move so far from everyone I knew that no one would remember my name. In two words, bad things.

I lost about 30 or so pounds back in 2004. I've always been over weight. My entire life I've thought about what I ate and how much, even if I was conscious of the bad choices I was shoving into my mouth. My mother put me on the Zone diet when I was ten. She was overweight as a child and very fearful that I would be teased by peers and family or be an outcast like she was. Her thoughts her in the right place but the execution left something to be desired because it really messed my head up.

I'm not good enough.

That's what's in my head. Always. And it's really really annoying. Mostly, because deep down I know it's not true. I can do lots of things well. But I can't even give myself credit then. I tell myself I'm a jack of a lot of trades and master of none. I don't do anything "Martha Stewart perfect." I want to. I want to be perfect at something. But in the reality of life, that isn't possible. No one is perfect, no one.

It wasn't until I lost those 30 or so pounds that anyone of the male gender paid any attention to me in an "I want to date you" way. Which only drilled into my head that yes, I was fat before, and no, you will never be loved unless you're thin. So I went crazy. I became hyper obsessive with my weight. I would get on a scale 6 times a day. Eat no sugar, at all (I still have no idea how I did that). And then my wonderful friend and roommate stepped in when she came back to school at the end of summer. And I relaxed a little. I gained 5 pounds and nothing fell apart. Boys still wanted to date me.

But I started making really bad choices.

Like ruin people's lives bad choices.

Like date your friend's boyfriend three weeks after they break up because everyone knows he's pursuing me bad choices. And even though I can blame it on the medications that they put me on that semester that made me suicidal and I was just barely clinging to sanity, I still made those choices. And I hated myself for it.

I met Sir Luke almost an entire year after I moved to NYC. I made bad choices in dating before I met him too. Lots of them. It still aggravates me to this day. When I started dating Luke I weighed in around 130 pounds. And since we've been married I've gained 40. 40 POUNDS!!!!!

In all the Jillian Michael's obsessed listening that I've been doing I finally figured out why I can't get myself to lose any of this weight. I'm not trying to push Luke away, like I originally thought. I'm afraid that if I get thin again I'll make bad choices. Like seriously bad choices. Because that's what I associate with my life with being thin. I don't want to make a bad choice and ruin my life or Luke's life or anyone else's for that matter.

And it sounds so silly but if you did what I had done my senior year in college you might think differently. It was literally the year from hell. For lots and lots of people. And I never want to go back to that place. So I've kept this shell on to keep my distance from people. And I'm done with it. Because once you know the why it's easier to make the change. And that's what I've struggled with for so long.

Why am I like this? Why am I living in this comfort zone of fat? Why the hell is fat my comfort zone?!?! It makes me so angry. And I'm ready to do something about it.

My in-laws are taking the entire family to Florida for a reunion. Florida = beach = I'm not wearing a swimsuit in front of that many people I know. I've got until May 22nd or so to get my butt in to the size it should be. That's my goal. Lose 40lbs in six months. It's totally doable!!!!!!!

So here I am proclaiming to you, internet. I am not going to binge anymore (Thank you Thanksgiving for that lovely pattern....).

I'm going to COUNT MY CALORIES! - I've always thought those were dirty words. But it's how I will lose my pounds. Keeping track.

I will eat healthy and organic!!  - I've been reading lots of research that says pesticides can maintain a mild depression in people...bad news bears for this chica.

I will walk Ripley on speedy everyday for an hour! - she loves it an I need it. I may even throw in some jogging. Who knows.

I will workout an additional half hour everyday except Sunday! - I'm shouting now

That's it peeps. I'm off to walk.

Wednesday, November 2, 2011

Van Horn Family Reunion Part I

I went to Minnesota last month to gather with a hodge podge of family from around the country. Dalton, MN, where my Uncle Roger and Aunt Linda live, was the gathering place of choice and I LOVED it. I hadn't been there since 2000. It seems so long ago, and I guess it was.

There are too many photos to post them all at one time. You would hate me. So here are some photos of tractors. There were a lot given it was a tractor fair, show thing. Lots of family members drove tractors in the parades. Multiple tractor parades over three days, four in total. Yes, I sat through at least two.

This is my Uncle Roger. He collects tractors. Yes, you heard correctly. He collects them. I think he has over 50. Don't ask me where he gets them all or where he keeps them. But they are mostly Minneapolis-Moline and they are really pretty. Tractor design is pretty awesome. Oh, and my Uncle George collects tractors as well. How many people do you know that collect tractors? What? None? Too bad for you.

Ben was supposed to drive this in the parade on the second day, but sadly when he lined up on the parade route the tractor died. It was a sad day. But he did end up driving people around on the people movers on a tractor all day long on the last show day. Believe me, he was a happy cowboy.

Monday, October 3, 2011


I usually don't remember my dreams. But when they are really disturbing or leave an exceptionally bad taste in my mouth I do. A couple weeks ago I dreamt my mom told me what I was doing with my life was a waste and I was incapable of being successful. Yeah...totally devastating to hear your parent say that. I told Sir Luke about it and his reassuring response, "your mom would never say that to you." Indeed he is true but it still stuck with me for a while and kinda threw me for a loop.

This morning I woke up during the terror of a dream I was having, tried to knock it out of my head, went back to sleep and still had to deal with the situation. Does that ever happen to you? I know I'm dreaming in about 80% of my dreams. Unless I'm sleep walking in which case I think everything is real.

You know how most people dream that someone is kidnapping them. Well last night I dreamt I kidnapped someone. And not just any someone, a bride. And I was the maid of honor. And it was against her will. And someone shrank her and I stuffed her in a doll and took her far far away. And then went back to the wedding like nothing was unusual. But I felt horrible the entire time and the people who were threatening me if I divulged the secret were following me all over the place. Oh and Sir Luke had gotten me involved but he wasn't there. He was at the place where I had taken the tiny bride in the doll (I never said dreams made sense). I danced down the aisle with the bridesmaids because the scary people told me I had to be normal. And for the record, no ceremony would start if no one had seen or heard from the bride in 24 hours.

So I looked up the meaning of this dream as soon as I woke up, 1: because I bolted out of bed at 6:30 because I was tired of the crazy, 2: because I needed to know why I was dreaming I kidnapped someone, 3: because I was completely wigged out.

So this is what it boils down to when you dream you kidnap someone: 
demonstrates that you need to think about the invisible barriers that you have been putting up in your life so that you can face life again without fear.
The key meaning of this dream suggests that you have a desire to control a personal situation in your life.
Yes and YES. Creepy. 100% creepy how true this all is. I am completely blown away by my subconscious telling me things in a, albeit, disturbing way. None the less, message received subconscious. Please don't try to tell me again. Please.

Peace out.

Sunday, October 2, 2011

Kaylie & Eric's Wedding

So the reason I went to Northern California was to attend my cousin, Kaylie's wedding to Eric. It was a beautiful wedding and so great to see tons of relatives I hadn't seen since I was so little that I didn't even remember them.

Check it.

Aren't my parents the cutest?!

Oh and you can look at more pictures here.