It's annoying to me how much I live in my head. I spend so much time dwelling, reevaluating, stewing, mulling, focusing on things in m own head that I've gotten lost. Every now and again small bits of light break in and I'm truly happy. But for the most part, I live in a pretty dark place. And I hate it.
I've been diagnosed with depression and anxiety which is what they decided I had instead of bipolar disorder. My maternal grandmother was bipolar and my paternal grandfather and my father had/have anxiety. I've tried to be medicated and it always did more harm than good. I've seen a therapist who literally made me want to jump off a building or move so far from everyone I knew that no one would remember my name. In two words, bad things.
I lost about 30 or so pounds back in 2004. I've always been over weight. My entire life I've thought about what I ate and how much, even if I was conscious of the bad choices I was shoving into my mouth. My mother put me on the Zone diet when I was ten. She was overweight as a child and very fearful that I would be teased by peers and family or be an outcast like she was. Her thoughts her in the right place but the execution left something to be desired because it really messed my head up.
I'm not good enough.
That's what's in my head. Always. And it's really really annoying. Mostly, because deep down I know it's not true. I can do lots of things well. But I can't even give myself credit then. I tell myself I'm a jack of a lot of trades and master of none. I don't do anything "Martha Stewart perfect." I want to. I want to be perfect at something. But in the reality of life, that isn't possible. No one is perfect, no one.
It wasn't until I lost those 30 or so pounds that anyone of the male gender paid any attention to me in an "I want to date you" way. Which only drilled into my head that yes, I was fat before, and no, you will never be loved unless you're thin. So I went crazy. I became hyper obsessive with my weight. I would get on a scale 6 times a day. Eat no sugar, at all (I still have no idea how I did that). And then my wonderful friend and roommate stepped in when she came back to school at the end of summer. And I relaxed a little. I gained 5 pounds and nothing fell apart. Boys still wanted to date me.
But I started making really bad choices.
Like ruin people's lives bad choices.
Like date your friend's boyfriend three weeks after they break up because everyone knows he's pursuing me bad choices. And even though I can blame it on the medications that they put me on that semester that made me suicidal and I was just barely clinging to sanity, I still made those choices. And I hated myself for it.
I met Sir Luke almost an entire year after I moved to NYC. I made bad choices in dating before I met him too. Lots of them. It still aggravates me to this day. When I started dating Luke I weighed in around 130 pounds. And since we've been married I've gained 40. 40 POUNDS!!!!!
In all the Jillian Michael's obsessed listening that I've been doing I finally figured out why I can't get myself to lose any of this weight. I'm not trying to push Luke away, like I originally thought. I'm afraid that if I get thin again I'll make bad choices. Like seriously bad choices. Because that's what I associate with my life with being thin. I don't want to make a bad choice and ruin my life or Luke's life or anyone else's for that matter.
And it sounds so silly but if you did what I had done my senior year in college you might think differently. It was literally the year from hell. For lots and lots of people. And I never want to go back to that place. So I've kept this shell on to keep my distance from people. And I'm done with it. Because once you know the why it's easier to make the change. And that's what I've struggled with for so long.
Why am I like this? Why am I living in this comfort zone of fat? Why the hell is fat my comfort zone?!?! It makes me so angry. And I'm ready to do something about it.
My in-laws are taking the entire family to Florida for a reunion. Florida = beach = I'm not wearing a swimsuit in front of that many people I know. I've got until May 22nd or so to get my butt in to the size it should be. That's my goal. Lose 40lbs in six months. It's totally doable!!!!!!!
So here I am proclaiming to you, internet. I am not going to binge anymore (Thank you Thanksgiving for that lovely pattern....).
I'm going to COUNT MY CALORIES! - I've always thought those were dirty words. But it's how I will lose my pounds. Keeping track.
I will eat healthy and organic!! - I've been reading lots of research that says pesticides can maintain a mild depression in people...bad news bears for this chica.
I will walk Ripley on speedy everyday for an hour! - she loves it an I need it. I may even throw in some jogging. Who knows.
I will workout an additional half hour everyday except Sunday! - I'm shouting now
That's it peeps. I'm off to walk.
